Thursday, January 16, 2014

Writers craft

I heard him talking at the seat next to me. We were on a bus going down the metropolis highway. Traffic was slow and I was tired. The boy was about 7 years old. Red hair, freckles, and very short. He was whispering. At first it sounded like nonsense. There was no one around to listen to him. He wasn't in a conversation. But yet he was saying something. I listened in closely.
"Red car, school bus, helicopters, lion, bridge, death." Over and over he said those words.
 I thought nothing of it, he probably was one of those special needs kids. I looked out the window. It had began to rain. The honking of horns and the sounds of engines filled my ears. Then something caught my eye. I looked at the next lane and saw a bright red civic. This was weird.
"It probably means nothing." I thought.
At that same moment the child spoke those words. I looked at him confused and awkwardly.
"How did he do that?" I thought and again he said it.
 I was starting to get creeped out. The eerie sound of laughter crept into my ears. I looked back out and saw a school bus pass by. My eyes widend.
"This isn't real." I thought.
Once again he spoke my thoughts. Then I heard a helicopter overhead.
"What the hell?" I thought and once again the child spoke it.
I looked at him. He gave me a curious look.
"Lion, bridge, death." He chanted.
"What is wrong with you?" We said in unison.
He pointed behind me. I looked and saw a statue.
"Oh my god." I said in disbelief.
I barely hear him say it this time. I looked again we were going over a bridge.
"Death." He said.
"Oh my god he got it all right we are going to die." I thought.
And yet again he spoke my thoughts. Fear was over taking me. I could barely grasp my situation. My heart pounded, sweat dripped down my face, this was too much I had to get out.
"LET ME OUT!" I yell.
The bus screeches to a stop and the doors open. I start running down the isle and all I hear is "death." Being changed over and over getting faster and faster as I approach the door. I run outside and the bus starts moving. I look as they go into the distance. Nothing happens. Maybe he was wrong? The bus was still there and nothing happened. I stood there realizing how stupid I was listening to a child. Then I had a thought creep up to me. What if it was my death? I look behind me and see the word MAC right in my face. Then it all goes black.


  1. didn't really read it... But its good. Nice work brah.

  2. This writers craft was very suspenseful. I wish It was longer! Your writing has gotten so much better than before. Keep up your amazing work John!

  3. Hey John, Nice creepy story. Reading it was like unwrapping a present layer by layer, not really sure you want to see what's at the center. Then a sigh of relief -- then surprise! In the beginning and at the end you use the thought-voice of the storyteller to echo the reassuring voice of normal reality: "I thought nothing of it, he was probably one of those special needs kids" and "I stood there realizing how stupid I was listening to a child". Then something abnormal happens. That's a great way of making the reader feel off balance. You almost don't have to say "This was weird", since I as the reader already feel that. This is the kind of story that the less you say, the more it has its own heartbeat. Maybe even try paring it down a little more and submit it somewhere! Keep writing!